Lost Without You Read online

  “Can I say something before we’re finished?” Matt asked.

  “Of course. What is it?” Zoe asked. Hopefully it wasn’t a hard question to answer because there were no cue cards for this unscripted bit.

  Matt turned to Tammy and took her hand. He fell to one knee, gazing up at her with admiration and love in his eyes. “Tammy, being out here with you during this crazy adventure has made me realize that you are even more amazing than I already thought you were. I can’t imagine doing this kind of thing with anyone else by my side and I can’t imagine anyone else I’d rather have by my side for the rest of my life. I know I probably shouldn’t do this here, but I can’t wait any longer. Will you marry me?”

  “Yes,” Tammy squealed through her excited tears, falling into his arms and kissing him as if there weren’t cameras and people standing around staring at them.

  Zoe’s hand went to the necklace she wore that had been her grandmother’s, rubbing the pendants between her fingers. They had always brought her comfort, reminding her how strong her grandmother had been, but today, biting back tears, it didn’t seem to be working. But maybe there was no comfort big enough to fill the void that Matt’s proposal to Tammy had just made in her heart.

  Matt reached into his pocket. “It’s not much and I’ll buy you a proper ring when we get home, but for now, maybe you could wear this.” He slipped a handmade ring onto her finger. It looked like a tiny black stone had been knotted into a piece of the twine they used to secure their tarps at camp. It wasn’t pretty, but the sentiment made Zoe’s vision cloudy.

  She blinked away the wetness before it could become anything and wished Matt and Tammy well as they stood and rejoined their team with a round of hugs and congratulations from the other contestants.

  “On that note,” Zoe said, her voice wavering, “I think it’s time to head back to camp. I’ll see you all in a couple of days.”

  The light on the camera turned off and she knew her filming requirements were done for the day. Now it was the contestants’ responsibility to get back to camp. She turned and tromped through the woods, not bothering with the trail since that would mean heading back with everyone else. The last thing she wanted was to make small talk. Or worse, to have to listen to how much in love Tammy and Matt were.

  She swiped the tears trickling down her cheeks as she trod through the forest. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy for Matt and Tammy; she just wanted what they had. And she knew deep down inside that she would never get it. She’d never let herself get close enough to someone to find that kind of all-consuming happiness, and even if she did, the person would surely head for the hills the moment they learned who she really was.

  She wiped her nose with her sleeve since she didn’t have a tissue. Gross, but in the wilderness, she had to make do with what she had.

  And she had to face the facts about what she didn’t have — what she would never have.

  • • •

  Chip casually watched Zoe where she sat, separated from the others near one of the fire pits. It had been three days since the reward challenge and each day she’d seemed to become more and more withdrawn from everything, including him. The cameramen were really the only ones working right now since the rest of the crew was waiting to film the reward challenge in another day. Most of the crew seemed to be enjoying their free time around camp, hanging out, chatting, playing cards, and doing a little drinking.

  But not Zoe. She wandered around a few times a day and came out of her tent for meals, but other than that, she stayed in her tent. He’d stopped by a few times to see if she wanted to talk, but she always claimed to be tired and asked him to leave her alone.

  She did look tired. Maybe roughing it in this new camp was too much for her.

  But he couldn’t help thinking it had something to do with the proposal that happened at the reward challenge. It seemed too coincidental that her mood changed immediately afterwards. Not that she hadn’t been trying to put a little distance between them before too. However, when she had, he could tell it was because she was trying to stop herself from feeling what she felt for him. This time the distance felt different — almost as if she was shutting down and pushing him away completely, for good.

  He couldn’t let that happen. He knew how she really felt about him even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself. The way she kissed him, melted into him, peered into his eyes like she was seeing his soul … There was no way those feelings weren’t true. And no amount of her pushing him away was going to make him come to a different conclusion.

  As the darkness deepened the crew began wandering away from the fire to go to bed. Chip watched as Zoe followed suit. Without so much as a goodnight to him or anyone else, she left the light of the fire pit and returned to her tent.

  It made him so sad to see her this way when she was usually more the life of the party. In the other shows he’d produced, Zoe had always been out and mingling with the other contestants, having a good time, and enjoying the experience, but she seemed completely the opposite here.

  Maybe giving her a job as the host had taken some of the fun out of the experience, but it also should have taken some of the stress away too since she didn’t have to worry about winning this time. Or maybe it was his fault she was miserable. If he hadn’t given in to his impulses and kissed her, then maybe she wouldn’t feel so … whatever it was she felt right now.

  Or maybe it was Rick’s fault for kissing her too. He clenched his fists at the thought of Rick’s mouth on Zoe’s. He liked to believe this was all Rick’s fault better than putting the blame on himself. He didn’t want to be the source of Zoe’s suffering.

  As the last people dispersed for the night, Chip pulled himself to his feet and poked at the embers remaining in the fire pit to make sure none of them were in danger of sparking and lighting anything else on fire. Luckily, the embers were almost out and only smoldering in the very middle of the pit so he felt confident in leaving them to burn out on their own. He trekked off into the woods to relieve himself before turning in for the night as well.

  On his return from the woods, he noticed Zoe creeping out of her tent. She paused at the opening, scanning the fire pit area and seeing no one, stepped from her tent, zipping it up behind her. She had something tucked under her arm, but it was too dark and far away to tell what.

  “What’s she up to?” he whispered.

  Zoe disappeared around the back of her tent into the woods, away from the rest of camp. Wherever she was headed, it wasn’t the safest place to go at night, alone. She didn’t even have a lantern or flashlight with her.

  “This isn’t good,” he muttered, following after her as quickly and as quietly as he could. He didn’t want to be creepy and invade her privacy, but her walking off into the woods alone at night couldn’t be ignored either. What if she came across a wild animal?

  What if she came across Rick while in the dark, alone?

  Chip couldn’t risk that happening.

  Ahead of him, Zoe cut through the trees, not bothering to use the trail. At this rate, she was almost more likely to break an ankle tripping over something in the dark than she was to get attacked by an animal or Rick, who may as well be an animal with how he’d been stalking Zoe this entire show.

  Zoe took a right and Chip struggled to keep pace with her. He jumped over what appeared to be a low-lying branch then got a face full of leaves and twigs as he landed hard on his stomach. He’d been so busy worrying about Zoe falling and hurting herself that he hadn’t paid enough attention to his own feet. A scratch down the side of his neck stung from a particularly nasty branch.

  He struggled to his feet then ran as carefully as he could through the trees to catch up. As the trees thinned, he heard the rushing of water and knew instantly where Zoe had gone — the waterfall.

  Chip peered around a tall tree and saw Zoe already in the
water, her clothes piled at the water’s edge along with a towel. Too bad he hadn’t realized this was where she was heading or he could have swung back to his tent and grabbed a towel of his own.

  He watched her for a moment, dunking her whole head in the water only to come up squealing from the cold. The waterfall looked beautiful and refreshing, but in truth the water was freezing. Not wanting to be creepy, he stepped out from the trees and announced himself.

  “Whatcha doing in there, Zoe?” he called.

  She screamed. Not exactly the welcome reaction he’d been hoping for.

  “What the hell are you doing here? You scared the crap out of me,” she yelled back. He noticed her fold her arms across her chest to cover herself. She apparently didn’t realize that all her important parts were fully covered by water, it was dark, and he was a good twenty feet from her.

  “I was making sure you didn’t get attacked by bears.”

  “Bears!” she yelped, glancing around.

  He laughed. “I’m kidding.”

  Even from a distance, he could make out her shoulders slumping forward. “Oh thank God. I thought you were serious.”

  “Nope. You’re actually more likely to get attacked by a wolf out here than you are a bear. So no worries.”

  “Gee, thanks for the reassurance of my safety.”

  He couldn’t keep the smile from his face. He loved hearing her get sarcastic with him. Maybe she was finally letting down her guard. “Your safety is my number one priority.”

  “Really? I thought making millions of dollars watching innocent people make asses of themselves on national television was your number one priority.”

  “Ouch.”

  She was feisty tonight. All that freezing water must be bringing out the bitch in Zoe. Sadly, he liked it. It fueled his fire to hear her stronger and more defiant after the last few days of her sulking around. Hearing her in a more normal Zoe mood made him want to be near her. “Cover your eyes, I’m coming in.”

  Freezing water or not, he wasn’t going to waste this rare moment with Zoe alone, in a decent mood — and naked.

  “Why are you coming in here?” she asked, not covering her eyes or turning around.

  If she didn’t want to cover her eyes, then she was about to get a show since the moon had just broken through the clouds, brightening the darkness. He pulled his shirt over his head and let it fall to the ground beside her clothes. He noted her mouth drop open at his now shirtless form. He grinned. Whatever she tried to tell him about not being interested in him was a lie. The expression on her face gave her away completely. She was far more than interested.

  “Because it looks like you’ve brought shampoo and I could really use a bath. Being in the wilderness doesn’t really mix with my usual lifestyle either, you know.” He kicked his shoes to the side and peeled off his socks. His fingers paused at the waistband of his jeans. “Last chance to look away and hide your innocent eyes, Zoe.”

  He waited a moment but she didn’t move.

  “I was here first. You should go bathe somewhere else.”

  He ignored her and finished undressing. The cold hit him like an arctic breeze. He was suddenly happy that Zoe’s watchful gaze had him at half-mast otherwise the shrinkage in the cold air would have been mildly embarrassing. As it was, he could stand proud of what he had to offer.

  Chip quickly grabbed the bottle of shampoo waiting on the shore with her things and waded into the water. When it got waist high, he almost lost his nerve to continue. How the hell was she standing it? If Zoe hadn’t been his reward for going in, he would have bolted back onto shore and into his clothes.

  Instead, he tried to be tough and attempted to block out the cold. Nearing Zoe helped tremendously as seeing her naked skin glistening in the moonlight was enough to make him forget his own name never mind something as trivial as the cold.

  Damn, she was so incredibly beautiful. He’d never seen anyone as captivating.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Thank God it’s too dark for him to see my scars, Zoe thought, forcing the tension out of her shoulders as Chip waded in closer to her. The moonlight offered enough light to see shapes and … sizes — oh there’d been no denying his size — but the moon wasn’t bright enough to define any intimate details like scars.

  “Was that you I heard making all that noise behind me in the woods? I almost broke my ankle trying to keep ahead of you.” Zoe couldn’t keep the edge from her voice. It wasn’t as if she was mad at Chip for finding her out here, but she sort of wished she wasn’t naked at the moment. She sort of wished he wasn’t either.

  But damn. Chip was even better looking than she’d imagined with his clothes off.

  Not that she’d been imagining him naked or anything. Yeah, sure, right.

  “I was following you, but only because I was concerned about where you’d be going in the woods so late at night. I wanted to make sure you were safe.”

  “And now that you know I’m safe, you decided to get naked and share my waterfall?” she challenged.

  “You noticed.”

  “Hard not to,” she grumbled.

  He smirked. “You’re more observant than I thought.”

  Oh shit. Now what the hell could she say to talk her way out of this one? She hadn’t meant hard as in hard, although his arousal had been obvious. Damn. He wasn’t just good looking and muscular. He was … well-built, too.

  “That’s … that’s not what I meant.” Her voice came out weaker than she’d have liked it to, but she couldn’t keep the embarrassment out of it. She couldn’t show weakness around Chip. She couldn’t. She had to flip this around so that he knew she was still in control. “Although now that you bring up your … nether regions, I did notice an unusual amount of grooming. I knew you were conscious of your looks, but I didn’t realize you took it to such lengths.”

  He grinned and arched an eyebrow at her. “Noticing my length too. How interesting. I never realized you paid so much attention to your surroundings.”

  Zoe’s cheeks burned despite the freezing water. Why couldn’t she stop putting her foot in her mouth with him? “I just meant it seemed like an awful lot of manscaping.”

  “I don’t get any complaints. You might be surprised how much you like a clean-shaven man.”

  “Oh, and why is that exactly?” she asked impulsively.

  Shut up! Why are you still talking about his penis?

  “Because the tree is even more impressive when the bushes are trimmed.”

  She gasped at his comment.

  Chip dunked under the water.

  Zoe rolled her eyes skyward, cursing under her breath. What the hell was she thinking asking him about that stuff? And why did the thought of finding out how impressive his “tree” was for herself make her feel so hot and bothered? Wasn’t she trying to avoid contact with him? This situation and conversation seemed the exact opposite approach to helping her keep that goal.

  He resurfaced and shook his head like a dog after a bath. She squealed as the cold water sprayed her. Squeezing a dollop of shampoo into his palm, he handed her the bottle, then lathered his hair.

  She never once attempted to look away. The view was too good from where she stood.

  Water trickled down his sculpted, smooth chest and off his biceps. She wondered if his skin was as smooth and silky as it appeared. Was he as smooth as he appeared elsewhere too? The question made her head fuzzy and pulse quicken.

  He dunked beneath the water once again and came up with his hair rinsed clean. When his gaze met hers, he smiled.

  “Your turn,” he said, taking another dollop of shampoo from the bottle and handing it back to her. He moved behind her and his hands were in her hair, scrubbing and massaging while she stood there like a deer in headlights, unsure of what do to, or where to run to.

>   Her pulse raced through her veins at his touch. She’d never had someone wash her hair before. Hell, she’d never had a man wash anything on her body before. She’d never let anyone this close to her when she was naked and makeup-free who wasn’t too drunk to remember what she looked like in the morning.

  Chip’s hands worked her scalp then trailed down her hair to the ends, scrubbing as he went. His fingers brushed against the back of her neck, right near her hairline, and she shivered, wondering if he felt the ripple of scar tissue marring her skin.

  His soapy fingers rubbed the back of her neck then moved outward, stroking her shoulders in circles, easing out the tension she held in them like armor. Her head fell to the side when he hit a particularly sensitive spot and she groaned as the pain released with his touch.

  Chip’s breath was startlingly warm on her chilly earlobe, sending a shiver down her back. “You are so incredibly beautiful, Zoe, I wish I could see you in full light to take you all in.”

  She stiffened uncontrollably. That would be her worst nightmare. To have a man as gorgeous and perfectly sculpted as Chip see her in full light with all her imperfections exposed.

  His lips brushed against her ear and she softened slightly, unable to hide the reaction his touch caused in her.

  “Even in the near-dark of the moonlight, I can hardly resist you,” he whispered. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

  “No,” she whispered back, not trusting the strength in her voice.

  “Then let me show you.” He spun her around so she faced him. His eyes were intense, penetrating into hers. “Rinse.”

  She obeyed, dunking her whole head under water until it felt clean. She popped back up, taking a deep breath of air, but the cold water and the fresh breath did nothing to clear the fog in her brain at seeing Chip still standing there, admitting his desire for her. She desired him too. More than she had desired for any other man she’d been with. But could she really give herself to Chip here, this way, when she was so figuratively and literally naked?