Lost Without You Read online

  “That’s none of your business,” she said, the sting of shame digging into her chest. How dare he look into her accounts? That was a violation of her privacy for sure.

  “But more than knowing you needed the money, I wanted you here. With me. I thought maybe if we were out here together, away from everything else, you might finally let your walls down with me and give into the feelings you’ve been hinting at this whole time. But you couldn’t let that happen, could you? So you ran away and kept me at a distance even when I pushed you to be honest.”

  “I had to run — ”

  “No, you didn’t,” he cut her off sharply. “You didn’t have to run from me. I would have taken you any way I could have had you. I would have done anything for you. Including punching my own contestant in the face, risking a lawsuit, and then following you out into the middle of a forest in the dark. But not anymore. I’m done, Zoe. You keep running away from me but you don’t need to anymore. I’m done chasing after you.”

  She stared at Chip, his words cutting into her, her heart breaking with the pain, and her insides twisting with anger. No one had ever spoken to her like that before. It pissed her off and yet she couldn’t bring herself to respond. What could she say?

  “Hello?” someone called. “Can you hear me?”

  “We’re here,” Chip called back, standing and walking toward the voice.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Zoe sat on the tiny, uncomfortable couch in the middle of the hotel room still shivering even after they’d cranked the heat in the ranger’s car for the ride into the nearest city. She couldn’t seem to get warm in her wet clothes. She’d have to get out of them soon, but she wasn’t sure what else she could put on in their place. And walking around naked wasn’t an option she wanted to entertain at the moment.

  Chip groaned as he sat on a chair opposite her and bent to take off his shoes. “These shoes were not made for hiking in the woods. I don’t think they’re going to survive the night.”

  She tried to smile a response, but her muscles wouldn’t cooperate. Instead, she fought the tears flooding her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek, trying to trap the pain inside.

  With a huge convention happening, most of the hotel rooms had been booked, leaving them no choice but to room together in a suite. While she was thrilled to have a warm room and a comfortable bed, it was awkward sharing the same space knowing that Chip was more than pissed at her right now.

  She’d been pissed at him too an hour or so ago when they were trekking out of the woods with the rangers who’d come and found them. She couldn’t remember ever having been quite that pissed at anyone before and she’d fought the urge to pick up a stick and smack him with it the entire way to the ranger’s car.

  But once she was tucked into the backseat of the cruiser and Chip was busy telling him about the show, she’d had a lot of time to think. And she hadn’t liked where her mind had taken her.

  Basically, everything Chip had said about her was true. She did push people away so they couldn’t get close to her. She didn’t want to run the risk of letting someone in, only to end up hurt again in the end. But in doing that, she’d made it so that she was never close to anyone and that made her miss out on things like a relationship with Chip — the only guy who’d ever really taken the time to see past her defenses. The only guy who she’d ever felt like she wanted to be with for longer than one drunken night of fun no one would really remember. The only guy who’d made her feel like she was more than just a face, or body, or TV personality.

  The only guy she’d ever loved.

  And now she’d lost him because she’d been too foolish to see what was right in front of her all along.

  “I’m going to take a hot shower unless you want in there first,” Chip said, pulling the bottom hem of his shirt free from his pants.

  She shook her head. A hot shower sounded like heaven, but she knew she would never really enjoy it unless she made things right with Chip. Now that she admitted to herself that he’d been right, she couldn’t wait another minute to tell him so.

  “Okay.” Chip shrugged and turned toward the bathroom, pulling his shirt over his head. The muscles on his back flexed as he stretched.

  “Wait,” she managed to say before he made it all the way to the bathroom.

  He turned back to face her, his shirt in hand, his sculpted chest glistening with moisture from his wet shirt.

  At the sight of his naked chest, the words that had been on the tip of her tongue were lost. Her throat went dry.

  Think. Say something before he leaves.

  “You’re right,” she said, finally forcing some words out of her mouth.

  He tilted his head. “I’m right about the shower? I’m not sure what could have been wrong with that statement.”

  “No.” She cleared her throat. “You’re, um, right about me. All of it. Everything you said is true.”

  He looked down for a moment before finding her gaze. “I shouldn’t have said those things. They were rude and hurtful and uncalled for.”

  “They were true. I push people away all the time because of my past. I judge people now because of how other people have treated me before. And that’s not fair to anyone.”

  “Zoe, I — ” he started, stepping toward her, his shirt falling from his hand to the carpet.

  “Let me finish, please.”

  He nodded and waited for her to continue.

  “I’m sorry for pushing you away the way I did. It wasn’t fair to you and it wasn’t fair to me either. People treated me really badly growing up. I wasn’t the cute girl in school who the boys liked and who the girls envied. I was the ugly kid who didn’t really fit in with anyone.”

  “I can’t believe that anyone would say you were ugly. Kids can be cruel to each other and stupid.”

  “Maybe they shouldn’t have said it, but it was true. I wasn’t good looking. Then, when I was fourteen, I was in a bad car wreck with a friend’s family, as my file must have told you.” She paused and took a deep breath, not wanting to go on but knowing it was finally time to tell the whole truth. “Lana and I had been goofing around in the backseat trying to see who could be the most outrageous. We were in such silly moods, acting without thinking. Her parents had asked us to calm down a few times and finally Lana did. But I didn’t. I thought it would be funny and make everyone laugh if I tried to scare her dad. And I did. I settled down for a while then poked him in the side and screamed. He startled and the car jerked to the shoulder, hit the gravel and flipped.”

  “Zoe, I’m so sorry.” Chip reached for her, but she pulled away.

  “Don’t be sorry. I deserved what I got.”

  “That’s not true.”

  Zoe nodded. “It is. It’s my fault the accident happened.”

  “You were a kid. You couldn’t have known the outcome of your actions. It’s not your fault,” Chip stepped closer but didn’t touch her.

  “There’s more.”

  “You don’t have to tell me anymore. It’s okay. I get it, Zoe. I understand now.”

  It was now or never. “Lana and her family all walked away from the accident with bumps and bruises, but I had taken off my seatbelt. I was pinned under the car for a while. I’m lucky there was a boulder that stopped the car from crushing me completely. I remember the paramedics calling to me, telling me to be calm and not move around. I remember them telling me they were coming for me and to hold on a little longer. So I did my best to listen and I held on until they pulled me free. When I woke up and learned of my injuries, I wished I hadn’t been pulled out from under the car at all. The kids had always teased me before and now I really was a monster. Lacerations all over my face and neck, broken bones in my arms and ribs, and road rash down the side of my face made me a walking nightmare. I feared they would tease me more. And they did.”

/>   Chip put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. It was all she could do not to flinch at his touch. This wasn’t something she talked about. Ever. To have physical contact with someone she cared about while she told her story was overwhelming and she wasn’t sure she could handle it.

  “After I recovered from a few surgeries, I went back to school and it was worse than ever. You’d think the kids would have cut me some slack since I’d been in the accident, but they didn’t seem to care. I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally my mom decided to move in with the guy who became my stepdad. They got married. I changed my first name and took my stepdad’s last name and he paid for more cosmetic surgery. He gave me a new chance at life and I took it. He made me beautiful. But I never forgot what it was like to be that ugly girl who people teased and made fun of. Once in a while, I’m ashamed to admit, it felt good to be the person to make fun of someone else for a change. To take the focus off of my pain by giving it to someone else.”

  “Zoe, I had no idea.”

  “No one did. I made sure of that. I couldn’t let anyone, especially you, find out the truth. I couldn’t let anyone learn the accident was my fault. Everyone thought I looked like a monster, but if they ever found out what I had done, they’d know they were right.”

  She wiped a tear as it rolled down her cheek. “I push people away because I’m afraid of getting hurt again when someone sees my scars. They aren’t all gone. And if anyone ever saw them, I worried that they would think I was Ugly Andrea again and not get to see the real me underneath the scars. I guess it didn’t work because people still didn’t get to know the real me. I pushed everyone away before they could get too close. Including you.”

  “I’m still here,” Chip said softly.

  She nodded, too overcome to speak.

  “Aren’t you the one who told Ben during the last show that his prosthetic leg was either a scar or a trophy and the choice was his to make? Why can’t you take your own advice?” Chip asked. “Shouldn’t you look at your scars as a trophy for all you’ve overcome in your life?”

  She shrugged. “It’s always easier to say it to someone else than to live the words yourself.”

  Chip stroked the line of her jaw with the backs of his fingers. “You could be covered head to toe in imperfections and I would still find every single inch of you amazing.” He touched the rough edge of her scars and she suddenly noticed how bright the lights in the room were. A pit formed in her stomach.

  Chip could see her scars.

  And he still looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on.

  Tears welled up in her eyes again but this time they were the happy kind. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for you, and I got scared you wouldn’t like me if you knew the truth.”

  Chip brushed his thumb across her lip as it quivered. “You’re right. I don’t like you.”

  She gasped at his admission, pain constricting in her chest like a vice grip.

  “I love you, Zoe. I think I have since the first time I watched your audition tape for The One. Something about you stuck with me and I couldn’t get you out of my head. Believe me, for a while I tried. But you were always there and the more time I spent with you, the more I knew you were the one for me. I just never knew how to make you realize it too.”

  “I love you too. I have for a long time. Of course, most of that time I told myself I didn’t and that there was no way you could ever love me … the real me.”

  “I do love you, all of you. Scars, flaws, annoying personality traits, and all.”

  “Hey, you have annoying personality things too, Mr. Bossy Producer Guy,” she teased, hitting him playfully on the arm then wrapped her arms around his neck and peered up at him. “Kiss me.”

  “With pleasure.”

  His lips touched hers and she pressed against him harder, trying to get closer to him. The need to be with him — really with him, without any more secrets — finally bubbled to the surface. She had tried to ignore it for as long as she could, but now there was no need to stop her feelings anymore.

  Before she was ready, he broke away from her kiss and took her by the hand, pulling her toward the bathroom.

  “What are you doing? I wasn’t done with you yet,” she said, her voice laced with desire she couldn’t hide.

  “I’m not done with you either. But we both need a hot shower to wash the chill of the rain away. And I don’t know about you, but I think those camping showers were crap.”

  She laughed as he started the water, steam pouring out of the shower enclosure and fogging the mirror over the vanity. “I thought you were a big supporter of the solar heated showers? Weren’t you the guy who told me how awesome they would be, how luxurious they were to have out in the wilderness?”

  “I was full of crap. You shouldn’t listen to me. I’ll basically say anything to keep my crew happy so they’ll do their jobs without complaint.”

  He stripped naked in front of her, letting his clothes pile on the floor. She’d thought he looked amazing in the lantern light in his tent, but holy hell, in this lighting he looked like a god. His muscles were toned and tanned as if he spent long hours working outdoors. His stomach rippled with indentations around a perfectly formed six-pack while his breathing grew more labored as he stared at her. The length of him stood at attention, ready and waiting for her, and she suddenly wondered how he had fit so easily inside of her given the massive length she was met with now.

  She pulled her eyes from his manliness to meet his gaze. She saw hunger and fire and lust gazing back at her. But she also saw love in his eyes. And a tiny bit of humor too. “What’s so funny?”

  “I’m enjoying you checking me out. I’ve wanted to see that look in your eyes for a long time and finally I’m getting what I want.” His smile grew. “And I’m wishing I had time to jump in the shower first to do a little grooming. I hate you’re seeing me unkempt. Things are usually much more landscaped down there then they are now. Those damn camp showers were too cold to spend extra time in them.”

  She laughed and stroked a single finger along his length to the base where the tiniest hint of hair grew. “Seems pretty landscaped already to me. Any more and it would go from acceptable manscaping to ‘oh my God are you kidding.’ Rest assured, I like what I see.”

  Chip pulled her shirt over her head and added it to his pile of clothes on the floor. “My turn to see you.”

  He kissed her shoulder while reaching behind her to unfasten her bra.

  “Wait,” she said nervously. “There are scars you haven’t seen yet. The ones on my face are pretty minor comparatively.”

  He didn’t stop working on her bra while he gazed into her eyes. “Whatever they are, wherever they are, I won’t care. The only thing that will ever bother me about your scars is seeing how much they bother you.”

  The straps of her bra slid down her arms and she swallowed the fear in her throat. Chip cupped her breasts in his hands, his fingers skimming the surface of the jagged scar that had long ago turned white. She blinked back tears. No one but her doctors had ever seen it. Whenever she’d had drunken sex with men in the past, it had always been with her bra on.

  Chip paused, eyeing the scar while his fingers traced the outline of it as if he were studying it, committing it to memory.

  “I’m sorry. I know it’s awful,” she said, the tears she couldn’t hold back falling down her cheeks. She pushed against his shoulders so she could step away from him. He wrapped one arm around her waist while the other hand stayed on her breast.

  “I won’t let you push me away again. You’re mine — good, bad, awful, ugly, or beautiful, you’re mine and no matter how you look, you will never be less than incredible to me. I’ve never been with anyone more amazing than you.”

  Chip kissed the top of her brea
st, his lips brushing against her scar. “I love you, Zoe. All of you.”

  As he sucked her nipple into his mouth, toying with it, teasing it, her tears dried and she wiped the already fallen ones off her cheeks. She arched her back as he caressed her breasts — kneading them, kissing them. Her breathing came faster with his attention. She’d never let anyone touch her this way before. Granting the privilege to Chip was strangely easy.

  Feeling a sudden urge to be with him in the shower, she stepped away from him and quickly stepped out of the rest of her clothes. Taking his hand, she pulled him into the shower behind her, shuddering as the hot water hit her chilled body. It had been too long since she’d had a shower that was more than lukewarm.

  They stood together in each other’s arms under the hot water for a few minutes soaking up the heat. When she finally felt the chill start to subside, she grabbed the little bottle of body wash provided by the hotel and squirted a dollop into her hand. She rubbed her hands together creating lather then ran them across Chip’s broad shoulders and down the ridges of his chest. When she stroked his length with a soapy palm, he groaned and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back.

  She squirted another dollop into her hands and scrubbed herself clean while Chip shampooed his hair. When they were both done, he motioned for her to turn her back to him so he could massage shampoo into her hair. The feeling of his hands in her hair, massaging her scalp, cleaning her, almost felt more intimate than actually being naked with him.

  Almost. The persistent erection pressing against her back was pretty intimate too.

  And distracting.

  She tipped her head back under the water, washing the shampoo out. It felt amazing to finally be clean again after so long spent in the woods with minimal hygienic luxuries. While she used her hands to make sure the shampoo was completely rinsed from her hair, Chip pressed against her back, his hands snaking around her waist and exploring south. A moan escaped her mouth as he rubbed her sensitive skin. When his fingers found her opening and slipped in, her knees went weak.